Thoughts from a tortured mind at 0200hrs

Thoughts from a tortured mind at 0200hrs

This week has been so very challenging and one that I have replayed over and over again in my head. I managed to offend people I have come to respect in my time since leaving the RAF. Most who know me, also know how passionate I get about people and taking care of them, this week my emotions got the better of me but I do not think the additions of beer plus my medications helped the matter.

I find it so very hard to leave the house without Colleen, so generally I don't, because my house and the garden are the places I feel secure and isolated, where I cannot cause further damage to the relationships in my life. My team are one of the reasons I will always try very hard to leave the house, even if it means medicating more than usual.

Anybody with a mental illness will be fully aware of the demon that is alcohol, it can start to become a crutch and if you aren't careful it can spiral into an addiction.  I have been very fortunate not to be dragged into addiction because Colleen keeps me grounded, but since being diagnosed and being on my meds I have experienced times when I will just go off a cliff face in the click of a finger. There is nothing scarier than losing time, being told you spoke for half an hour and then a further hour to an individual about what you said, but thinking in your own head it was only mere minutes and not recognising any of what you are being told as being you.

This week I felt shame because over the years I have had to battle so hard just to be able to try and operate at the level of those around me and even with all the challenges that my brain throws at me, I think I have done a pretty decent job of it, thanks to Colleen and some very supportive people around me, but in one fell swoop all of that hard work can be erased by a brain that hates you.

I have ruminated a great deal over the last few days and of course spoken to Colleen about it,  I don't know what the future holds because I just need to keep putting one foot in front of the other and taking each hour as it comes. I still await my therapy starting and maybe I shouldn't have put myself around such a great team until I had started it.

I wasn't sure if I would actually take this out of draft and publish it, but I have been told many times by people that it helps them to understand me and also people like me so I decided to publish it, in the hopes it might help others having a tough time at the minute.

Moral of this story for me is to drink beer at home with Colleen, stay in my safe place and don't open my mouth unless I really need to!